I’d say I’ve always been what I am, in a way at least. My identity wasn’t that relevant until my puberty started. I hated all the changes in my body. The body hair and boobs. I hated wearing a bra, from day one. My other parts have been always okay for me. But I did think always that periods are from hell and completely useless. I couldn’t relate to girls who were happy with all the changes. So I was a bit of a tomboy. I didn’t much wear dresses and I tried to hide my boobs a lot. They just never matched my body and it was noticed. I thought girls were cute and I thought boys were cute. I just couldn’t relate either one or understand them.
When I was around 12, I came up with an idea for a costume parade as a girlboy. Half and half. I created the look and was so happy with it for that one day. I’d say it was then when I really felt for a second what I was. When ever I had girly clothes, I was kind of ashamed. I can see that now too, looking back at the pictures. I had a couple of times when I dressed as a boy to be able to go to different places. I mean places where women couldn’t go. I just thought that was so wrong, that gender roles are so fucking paternal and useless. I never respected that or approved of it. I was also spending my years 9-13 in a country where femininity is kind of hidden and women aren’t a respected part of the society. So it all just added to my unwanted feeling of femininity
Back in Europe, aged 13. I just used all my energy to survive my culture shock, bullying and all the shit. Going through that there was only to survive for me- to blend in and to find support in religion. So fucked up. I had crushes to feminine boys, but didn’t date anyone until I was 19 or so.
My style got more quirky around age 15. I loved colours, different styles and made clothes myself from 2nd hand clothing. I kind of blossomed as a girl. I worked out a lot. I controlled what I ate. I liked how I looked. But I was more like a chameleon. Just going with different styles, outfits and colours. I got quite a lot positive feedback of what I was and how I looked like. Because of my intense workouts, I did look quite boyish with my body. But that was a result of over-workout and not eating enough. My overly religious background did keep me in my box though. I definitely didn’t buy all of it, but a lot was in my behaviour models and in the ways I was thinking.
At times I had shorter hair, sometimes longer. For me starting sex was a lovely experience and it kind of led me to think I am quite lovely and desirable as a woman. I still had a lot of religious thoughts though. I cut my hair off totally and I looked like a monk. I had very tomboy times and could easily take the roles of boys too when needed. But I only went after guys at that time. I was just too stuck in my box. I studied, graduated. Found a guy, got engaged and married. I had a lot of thoughts. I was reacting with my body. The thing was, I never thought a “normal” marriage fitted me. I was kind of embarrassed at time to be a woman, married to a man, in a straight relationship. At least so it seemed. It just felt off. But I just kept on going with it. Sad in a way.
I was kind of jealous of gays, lesbians, of all trans and non-binary people. I didn’t like to be called a woman or labelled as one. I always said I’m not a typical woman. Not in the relationship or anywhere. The times I had shorter hair, I felt like I hd more balls and more strength. During my life, I have also been struggling for years with endometriosis and adenomyosis. They caused me very bad and at times unbelievable pains and cramps. I had to find help and help myself. Doctors couldn’t really help me. Over the years, I got so fed up with my body, that I started to ask for a hysterectomy.
I also was working for some time for an LGBTIQ organisation and I really enjoyed the work I did. It gave a lot to think about and also it gave a sense of belonging. That there is this group to belong and it’s an amazing one. I knew a part of me resonated with transgender experiences. I also started talking out loud that I am bisexual at that time. I was strongly attracted to women and feminine people. And I couldn’t hide it. I thought my relationship was more like a gay relationship than a straight one. I started being creative with my hair and varying the hairstyles. I felt more confident like that. It was more me. And more balls. More power.
I had my wishes finally granted and had my hysterectomy in Thailand. My debilitating pains disappeared right away. I felt no loss and no sadness. Just happiness. My body loved and embraced the new situation totally. It so fitted my identity too. For many years already, I had also wanted much much smaller boobs. Like A minus minus cup – meaning nothing left. I felt more confident after my hysterectomy. And I do count that my life started from there. It so different to life without pains, though hysterectomy is not a cure, as there is no cure for endometriosis.
My relationship then ended and I had suddenly ultimate freedom at my hands. I struggled, fought, cut my hair all off again. Started over. Got back on my feet bit by bit. I found myself little by little I met amazing people. People who respected me and took me as I am. I went back to Thailand to find myself and my identity. And I did. Me – genderfluid and pansexual me. Wow. That was what I had always been. But it took years to emerge. So dope. I then decided to move on with my mastectomy, to cut my boobs out. I never liked my boobs. I had just accepted them as temporary part of my body, until I had the possibility to fix the problem. Things then sorted out, I was able to save the money and I found a talented surgeon. My surgery went super good and I am more more than happy with my results.
I have been microdosing testosterone to balance my menopause but also it is something that balances my identity. I personally am not a fan of gatekeepers. For some people- usually doctors and healthcare professionals decide on the identity and medical help for non-binary and trans people. I think it is my right to know what I am and also make the choices regarding my body and identity. That is why I am extremely thankful that I found amazing doctors and health care professionals in Thailand to help with my journey. They respected me and accepted my experiences.
It took me another few years to embrace myself as a transman. I fought the idea of being a man, due to patriarchy and how cis-straight men are. I processed this for quite a time and realised it is totally okay to be a man, to be me. I am my kind of a man, and that is great. No need to be something else I am not. I was able to change my gender marker to male and I keep on taking testosterone and having regular checkups with healthcare professionals.
I also have found amazing people, who accept me as I am. Friends, lovers and relationships. That is a gift in life and I am happy to be me, as I am.
